Random Stuff

Cat Lady decal on back of car -I am endlessly entertained by the weird stick figure families on the back of people's cars.  I've seen these decals depicting zombie families, star wars families and more.  I was just telling my daughter Cissy that I would like to see a decal of a single woman with about six cats.  Then we saw this:  One woman, one cat.  However, she must have a child in band somewhere, as evidenced by the sticker above her head.  Also, she is a native Texan.  I'm not sure why the band kid is not included in the decal family - I don't judge, I don't know her life.  I am merely here to observe and report.

I'm here - Every morning at the salt mine where I work - one of my co-workers comes in about an hour after I do - his shift is later.  I chirp, "Good morning, how are you?"
His reply is always, "I'm here."
It's not an enthusiastic, roll-call type of "I'm here."  It's more of a beleaguered, down-trodden, sigh.  It's as if he's saying, "despite great hardship and bitter personal struggles, I have managed to drag my sorry carcass to work today."  Every single morning.  Why?  Is he in such dire straits that coming to work on a daily basis is never a certainty?  I mean, he's full time.  He's supposed to be "here" every day at that time.
Cissy said maybe he means, "How am I doing?  Well I'm here in this awful place so I can't be doing that well, now can I?"  or perhaps, "I am here - in the present moment.  I am living in the now!  Isn't that great?"  But that's not my interpretation.
This guy is not the only one who says this.  I've heard other people say it, somewhat sarcastically.  "I'm here, I managed to show up today, I would rather be anywhere else but here, but I gotta pay the bills so, here I am."
Yeah - well Good Morning to you too.

I don't know if - Occasionally people call the salt mine and they have questions.  It's my job to get them to the right person who can answer their questions.
Some of them say what they want right up front - these people are efficient.  I love them.  Who do you want to talk to?  Bob.  Thank you, I will transfer you to Bob.
Maybe they don't know Bob's name.  Maybe they say, "I need to talk to someone in the Delivery Department."  Great.  Thanks.  I'll transfer you to Bob.
Then there are the "I don't know if" people.  These people drive me crazy.  Here's how their phone call typically goes.
Me:  Thank you for calling the Salt Mines - this is Cherry - how may I transfer you to someone who can actually help you, such as probably Bob?
Them:  Hi Sherry - My name is Gwendolyn Felicity Quakersnort.  (not her real name).  Maybe you can help me.  (No - I can't).  I have a question about the salt mines because I need to get some salt and I don't know if you sell salt or if you sell salt and pepper or if you deliver salt or if I've been using too much salt.  And I don't know if there's salt in my recipe and I don't know how salt works and I don't know if you guys are located in my home town or if you are somewhere else and I don't know if there's a location near me where I can get salt and I don't know how much you charge and I don't know if you take checks and I don't know if you take credit cards and I don't know if.....
They never pause, they never let me get a word in edgewise.  If they did I could say:
If you're going to list all the things you don't know - we will be here until next Tuesday.  I realize you don't know - guess what - we have someone here who DOES know.  His name is Bob.  Please hold while I transfer you.

Short story writing - I am attempting to write a short story.  It is a piece of fiction and it's supposed to only be about 10 pages long.  I have not gotten past the idea stage.  Here's why:
Every day I come up with what I think is a great idea.  I write a brief synopsis of my idea during my lunch break.  Then it's "time's up, back to the salt mines" and off I go back to work.  That is the only writing time I have in my day.  It is also my only time for facebook, texting friends (yes, I do have some friends), and listening to my voice mails from Walgreens.
Anyhoo - the next day I reread my brilliant idea and decide that it's' crap.  Delete, delete, delete - rewrite - then back to the salt mines.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Every day this week.
Tomorrow is Saturday and I am determined to push on through this - whether my idea is a good one or not, this story is going to get written!
I told Honey Bunch one of my ideas and his response was, "and I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling kids."  (note to millennials - that's a reference to Scooby Doo - Google it).

Thanks Dad

Today is Father's Day - so on this day, I would like to say Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there and especially my Dad.  Hey, Daddy, I drew you a picture.  Do ya wanna see?

We don't often tell our Dads how much we love and appreciate them.  They do so much for us kids - even as adult kids.  They work hard, provide for the family, fix things around the house, and so much more.

Here are some random things I learned from my Dad:

1.  Go to Church - don't just show up, get involved.
2.  Change the oil in your car
3.  Drive your car until it falls apart - literally.  Then get it fixed and keep driving it.  A car should last a long, long time.
4.  Root for the Aggies
5.  Take lots of pictures
6.  Two is better than one - ask Dad how many he wants and he will hold up two fingers and proclaim, "bring me dos of them babies."
7.  If you don't know the answer, make something up.  If you say it with confidence, people will believe you.  No matter how outrageous the story is.  
8.  Sing out loud, sing out strong.
9.  Never stop going places - Dad has traveled all over the world and is still exploring the far reaches of the globe.

I know there are a lot more things I learned from my Dad.  Sadly, algebra is not one of them, but not for lack of trying.  Thanks Dad.

So, here, in no particular order, is a list of things I want to thank my Dad for:

1.  Thanks for brushing the knots in my hair when I was little until the brush handle actually broke off
2.  Thanks for helping me with my homework, despite the mediocre results in algebra
3.  Thanks for fixing my car countless times
4.  Thanks for all the home repairs and improvements
5.  Thanks for attending every game, every performance, every concert that my daughters were part of.  And taking pictures.  And clapping loudly.
6.  Thanks for all the fabulous Summer trips with all of us or with just the girls - road trips all over the country from Florida to Yellowstone and even California!  And taking pictures.

When my daughters Buffy and Cissy were little (there is no Jody) - they would go to their PawPaw (my Dad) for advice.  Who knows why, maybe their sister wasn't cooperating or they couldn't get Barbie's outfit on properly.  My Dad would say to them, "Well, when I was a little girl..."  Then he would offer sage advice.  At the time, they were too young to question this statement.  So thanks, Dad, for your wit and humor.  I love you.

PS - Coming soon to Cherri's Jubilee - Long overdue Mother's Day blog listing things I appreciate about my Mom (insert big smiley face here)

Complaints Dept. File #142 - Weekends are too Short!

It's a pretty thick file - cross referenced to "I don't like Mondays," and "Why me, God?"

Here at the Complaints Department, we hear this just about every Monday morning.  It usually goes along these lines.

Coworker #1:  How was your weekend?

Coworker #2:  Not long enough.  (Yuk, Yuk, Yuk)

And the conversation goes downhill form there.  But the truth is, the lamenting of the too-short weekend begins on Sunday late afternoon, early evening.  That's about the time you realize you have to do some laundry so you'll have clothes to wear for the week.  Then you realize there's no food in the house, unless you want to have a stale box of Triscuits for your entire sack lunch and expired Campbell's soup for dinner every night.  (Why do we have clam chowder?  Who's going to eat that?)

Laundry and grocery shopping are not fun.  Continuing your Cut Throat Kitchen watch-a-thon is fun. And this illustrates the conundrum I face every weekend.

Because I am at work for nine hours every day and commute for 2+ hours every day, my weekdays are basically shot as far as getting anything done.  (Yeah, I know cry me a river... but don't, seriously, because there's enough standing water around here.)

The chores and errands stack up and by Friday night, there's a great big to-do list all ready for the weekend.  On top of that, the weekend is the only time to get together with friends and family, maybe take a little trip, and relax from the hard week you've had (assuming you've had a hard week - and lets face it, you work hard so you deserve a little R & R).

You start off Friday night feeling optimistic.  Maybe you make a little to-do list thinking tomorrow I will run these errands:

1. Work out at the Y
2. Shopping
3. Pick up dry cleaning
4. Go to the bank
5. Return the library books
6. Take the car in for an oil change
7. etc. etc. etc.

Then you remember that there are a lot of things to do around the house too.  Such as:

1. Clean house
2. Organize the china cabinet
3. Wash the dog
4. Fix the laptop computer
5. Clean out the closet, or the garage, or the scary space under the bed
6. Sort the growing pile of socks in the laundry room
7. Wax the ceiling
8. etc. etc. etc.

Then you think of all the fun things you want to do, but never have time for:

1. Visit a bookstore and waste an hour browsing
2. Go to the movies 
3. Arts and crafts with the kids
4. A stroll through the park (never mind, it's way too hot for that and it's probably raining)
5. Lunch, or coffee with a friend
6. Date night with the Honey Bunch
7. Curling up with a good book (this is sooo never gonna happen)

And, even though it's obvious that there's no way you can get all this stuff done in one 48 hour period, you are still optimistic.  You have that happy, excited, Friday outlook on life - you believe you have unlimited time stretched out ahead of you.  

Chances are, you will stay optimistic until the threat of Monday morning slaps you in the face like a wet fish.  (I'm thinking Monty Python fish dance - and no, it doesn't make sense)

The solution?  ....There is no solution.  But thank you for filing a complaint.  Have a nice weekend!

Let's Form a Club

There are a few new experiences I find myself a part of now.  I think I've got several friends who can relate so, we might as well form some clubs.  Or is it support groups?  Here are a few suggestions for clubs I could join, if someone else would organize it, because...  ya know....  I'm busy.

1.  Silver Streak Club - for women who now have to color their hair once a month.  You'll know it's time to cover your gray when a shining silver streak becomes visible in the part in your hair.

2.  Alternate Route Club - for Houston commuters who have to find new and creative routes to work almost every morning as more and more roads are closed (and re-closed) due to continued flooding.  Also, don't forget to check which bridges have washed out.

3.  We Used to be Friends Club - for all the people with whom I used to enjoy hanging out, but now that our kids are older, we don't get together anymore.  Former friends from girl scouts, soccer-mom friends, fellow dance moms, former orchestra teachers etc.  It's a sad fact of life when your kids get older, graduate, go to college and then leave you with no social life.

4.  We Used to be Co-Workers Club - for everyone with whom I used to work and enjoyed chatting with but they moved on to other jobs, or I did.  Who's to say.  I know I'm still facebook friends with these people, but it's not the same as an in-person conversation on a regular basis.

5.  Enablers Club - for my friends who love to get together and eat out.  Then we all wait to see what everyone else is ordering to determine if we're going to be "good" and "just get a salad" or if we have permission to go off our diets "just this once."

6.  Complaints Department Club - for those of us who occasionally want to vent to someone who will just listen and nod their head.  A club for griping, commiserating and not judging.  The rules are, you must not try to solve problems or cheer people up and you must give everyone equal time - ie don't dominate the conversation.

7.  Prayer Group for a Third Party - For everyone who cannot bring themselves to vote for either of the Presidential candidates this year.

Having your cake and eating it too

Today we have a guest blogger!  My brilliant and talented daughter Buffy.  She is so much funnier than I am.
Buffy is my youngest daughter - she's a teenager and I don't know where she gets her sarcasm from?  (cough - her father) What?  Did you hear something?

So here is Buffy's Guest Blog Post:

Phrases I Hate - by Buffy

1.  You can't have your cake and eat it too
     What do you mean by "having cake" if not eating said cake?  When you throw a party and you announce that it's time to have cake, you don't just stand around looking at the cake, reminding yourself and your guests how lucky you are to possess cake.  Having cake means eating cake and that's final.

2.  Comparing apples and oranges
     Whoever coined this phrase had a very limited frame of reference.  Apples and oranges are both fruits and so are therefore comparable.  There are also many instances in which you would actually need to compare apples and oranges, such as deciding what juice to buy or what fruits to eat.  If the point is to suggest a comparison of two un-like things, then those things should be more dissimilar.  How about, "comparing apples and the '27 Yankees," or, "comparing the use of mythological creatures in 19th Century literature and your mother-in-law." These are both, I think, better examples of pointless comparisons.

3.  You can't judge a book by it's cover
     Yes, you can and yes, you should.  If you like action/spy books and you pick up a book called He Came with the Storm and it has a shirtless man in the wind on the cover, you should not feel obligated to read it.  It is not for you.  In a real world application, people should not feel ashamed of stereotyping.  Everyone does it.  You can almost always determine your future opinions of and relationship to a person within an hour of meeting them.  Sometimes there is obviously not a connection and it is okay not to want to pursue a friendship based on this.

4.  You'll never know if you don't try
     First of all, Shut Up!  Who are you to judge me?  Similar to number 3, sometimes you don't need to try something to know it is not for you.  I do not like seafood, can't stand it actually.  So when someone offers me sushi or caviar, I do not need to try it to know that I will not like it.  If a person is obviously uncomfortable around a certain food or experience, do not insistently pressure them to try it because they will only hate it more and they will resent you for inflicting such torture upon them.

5.  Bringing home the bacon
     This phrase is supposed to fit traditional gender roles with the men earning all the money and therefore bringing home food.  But, if this gender role is to apply, then the stereotype of women doing all the shopping must also be applied.  This would make the women the people who literally bring bacon home.  This phrase is not only outdated but foolish.

Pack Rat Confessions: Marzipan Pig

I have been sorting through a bunch of crap that we have shoved into the sitting room to get it out of the dining room - I know, long story.  I have found a number of items we should have thrown out long ago including lots of expired medications.

I also found this disturbingly well preserved Marzipan Pig, pictured here for your enjoyment.  And the answer is - NO, I did not eat it!  Sheeesh!

The frustrating thing is, no matter how many boxes and bags I sort through and throw stuff away and put stuff away - the pile doesn't seem to be getting any smaller.  It's like that vault in Harry Potter where every time you touch a golden goblet, another 20 or so more golden goblets appear.  Only this isn't gold, it's old files, paperwork, old school work, family photos, documents that are important, documents that are not important, and literally anything and everything.  I know, I only have myself to blame.  .....Or do I?

I could blame my family for assisting in the not throwing anything away ever.  After all, it's not all my stuff.  For example, this is not my Marzipan Pig.  

I could blame my day-job for taking up all my time.  Imagine if I had all day every day free to clean house.  ...on second thought, scratch that.  I think it was Freud that said, "be careful what you wish for, you might get it."

I could blame the internet for distracting me from my tedious task with the promise of cute cat videos and shopping for books on Audible and playing Words with Friends.

I could blame my 2+ hour daily commute for the loss of .... time..... hope...... sanity

But no - playing the blame game never got me anywhere.  Instead I shall press on and dream of another room found in the Harry Potter books, the Room of Requirement.  It would be perfect!  I could have a huge room of unlimited storage and, when I require a lovely parlor or dining room for entertaining, there it would be.  When I require a quiet space to retreat and read, there it would be.

(Sigh) - if only magic were real.

Bad at Crafts - Surgical Glove Elephants!

Bad at Crafts - Surgical Glove Elephants

Let's just say - I was going for the Participant's Ribbon in this sculpture competition.  Sadly, I did not even win that - no ribbon, no certificate, no bragging rights, and no respect and admiration from my peers.  My elephants look pretty pathetic.  They are even ashamed of themselves as evidenced by their downcast eyes

Here is how to achieve mediocre at-best elephants with minimal effort, in 9 easy steps.

1.  Blow up some surgical gloves like balloons, let most of the air out

2.  Tie off the opening

3.  Draw eyes on with a sharpie

4.  Cut out some ear shaped pieces of whatever  paper you have lying around.  Two ears per elephant.  I just happened to have paper that was the same color as the gloves.

5.  Affix the ears to the sides with scotch tape.

6.  There is no step six.

7.  Realize that your elephants are just going to lay there unless you prop them up somehow.

8.  Poke pencils through some dessert sized paper plates.

9.  Scotch tape the elephants to the pencils

And viola - you have just done the bare minimum.  These are the kind of elephants that don't like talking about their flair.

My elephants were feeling okay about themselves until this group of monsters stampeded their way into the sculpture competition.

Just look at them, acting all superior with their robust elephant figures, their big elephant smiles and batting their sharpie drawn elephant eyelashes.  This was not an amateur competition after all.  

These elephants think they're all that - but they're not.