Have a Good Time for a Good Cause

So, you bought a costume for the office Halloween party and maybe you’re looking for more opportunities to wear the thing.  Or, maybe you’re just looking for something fun and different to do this weekend.  Well, if you live in the Houston or Katy area, you are in luck. The rockin’ist Halloween party in town is the 4^th Annual Charity Boo Bash, this Saturday, October 24, at 6:00pm.  The location is the Mason Creek Community Center at 20201 Kingsland Blvd in Katy.  Tickets for the Boo Bash are $75 if purchased in advance and $100 at the door. Register online at www.mikshiddenhearts.org.  All proceeds benefit Mik’s Hidden Hearts Alliance (MHHA) for teens with Dysautonomia and other Hidden Illnesses (more about that later).

I’ve been to the Boo Bash the last couple of years and, let me tell you, it is an amazingly fun party. The costumes are top-notch so be prepared to dress up. There’s even a costume contest with some pretty awesome prizes so make an effort – or don’t – you’ll still have fun.  My Honey Bunch always wears a suit.  Last year he “stabbed” a box of Frosted Flakes with a huge plastic knife and went as a Cereal Killer….  get it?  But I’ve seen it all at the Boo Bash, witches, ghosts, zombies and then there’s the non-traditional but very creative costumes, such as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, superheroes, Beetlejuice, or even a Refrigerator.

The Boo Bash is an exciting evening for adults, with a delectable dinner from the Saltgrass Steak House, yummy deserts provided by an award winning baker, beer and wine and some fantastic prizes.  DJ Johnny Bravo will be there, so you can dance the night away.  There’s even going to be a totally awesome band, 80 Proof, so we can rock out to the hits of the 80s!

 And then, there’s the PRIZES!!  I’ve never been to a charity event with so many ways to score fabulous prizes. There’s a silent auction, a live auction, a raffle, a prize pull (ahem, wine pull), a 50/50 cash give-away, and the aforementioned costume contest.  You could walk away with more swag than you can fit in your car.  Last year the Honey Bunch and I almost won the bidding for a week’s stay in a swanky condo in Destin Florida.  Almost.  We did, however, get a lot of our Christmas shopping out of the way with some of the gorgeous silent auction items – jewelry, Aggie memorabilia, and some top-of-the-line bath products. This year, there are even more fantastic prizes at the Boo Bash including, the getaway in Destin, a Messina Hof wine tour, a tricked-out barbecue grill, a craft beer kit, a year of coffee (that one's mine), a year of date-nights, a family membership to the Houston Museum of Natural Science and a gift basket from the No Label Brewery. There's a lot more that I don't have room to mention. Checks and credit cards are accepted.

All of this is for Mik’s Hidden Hearts Alliance, a charity I feel strongly about. MHHA is a non-profit organization that reaches out to homebound and hospitalized teens with dysautonomia and other hidden, life changing illnesses. It was founded in 2011 by a remarkable teenager, Mikaela Aschoff. She fell ill with dysautonomia in her freshman year of high school and her life has never been the same. You can read her incredible story at the website above. MHHA provides gifts, hope kits, and monthly socials for these chronically ill young people as well as the annual Anti-PROM, a formal dinner and casino-night party for teens affected by hidden illnesses. These kids often don’t have the chance to get-together with friends and just hang-out and be a teenager. The social events and the Anti-Prom provide a much needed break from doctors, treatments and hospital visits. The smiles I’ve seen on these kids at the Anti-PROM are so joyful.

MHHA also works to spread awareness of Dysautonomia, which is considered a “hidden illness” because the sufferers often look healthy to the casual observer. It’s a complex condition caused by a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system and can affect the cardiovascular, endocrine, metabolic and gastrointestinal systems. Dysautonomia can cause very painful and debilitating symptoms.

I hope you’ll join me at this year’s Boo Bash. It’s the most fun you’ll have in a costume this year.

Know-It-Alls Love the Internet

Know-It-Alls love the internet, especially Google, Wikipedia and IMDB.  As a recovering Know-It-All myself I find it gratifying to finally be able to win an argument by having the proof at hand, literally.

Before the internet and smart phones existed, people just had to argue it out until somebody got tired of it, or it was time to go, but the argument never really got resolved.  The hopelessly misinformed went along their merry, blissfully ignorant way, believing themselves to be right when in fact, they were dead wrong. The know-it-alls were left to ponder where they could get their hands on some proof of what they knew to be true, and how to bring up the subject again at some future time. It was frustrating.

Now, however, the proof is at your fingertips. In any disagreement you can simply whip out your phone, key in a few details and voila - instant factual corroboration. Like magic.  The misinformed are now left humbled, speechless and feeling rather foolish as you bask in the victory of your superior knowledge.

Of course, some people find us know-it-alls annoying, though I can't think why?  Here are some recent misconceptions that I was able to correct, and no one even thanked me.

1. Kate Middleton is a Duchess, not a Princess.
2. There never was a Ura Hogg.  Ima Hogg did not have a sister, only brothers.
3. If you are being pretentious, you are highfalutin, not high pollutin'.
4. If you would rather stay home and skip the party, you are acting like a hermit, not a kermit.
5. When you write, "he does not want to be apart of their group," you have pretty much said he does not want to be away from their group when what you meant was, he does not want to be in their group.  
6. The movie Funny Girl starring Barbra Streisand had a sequel called Funny Lady, which was released in 1975, also starring Barbra Streisand.
7. People who correct your grammar are not Nazis.  They are helpful friends who should be thanked. 

I will close with a quote from Ricky Gervais, "Some of you are really smart.  You know who you are.  Some of you are really thick.  Unfortunately, you don't know who you are."

Keeping Away from the Kardashians

Keeping away from the Kardashians is impossible.

I Kould not Kare less about the Kardashians, or as I like to call them, the KKK family.  (Because all the kids have names that start with K, get it? .... oh, never mind.)

Anyway, I am frequently annoyed by the constant bombardment of news about, pictures of, and general incessant coverage of these people.  I know their so-called reality show has been on the air since before we all had mobile phones.  They are inescapable, believe me, I've tried. If you own a television, a computer or go to the grocery store you will have seen and heard about the Kardashians in much more detail than you would like.

In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anyone in the U.S. who has not been exposed to naked pictures of Kim Kardashian's butt. It was on the cover of a magazine, for cripes sake.  Get your butt out of my face, Kim!!

I've had my fill of the Kardashians and I've never even watched their program. I don't care about their marriages, their divorces, their babies, their clothing or lack thereof. I don't care about any of it!  I long for the day when the word "Kardashian" leaves our lexicon and we are all blissfully ignorant of their on-going drama.

And yes, that goes for Caitlyn too. 

Don't get me wrong, I support the LGBT and sometimes Y community.  Not financially or anything, but I'm all in favor of people being true to who they are and wearing what they want and feeling comfortable in their sparkly ball gowns and 5-inch-heels.  After all, what woman doesn't feel comfortable in 5-inch-heels?  If you "identify" as a hot-young super-model then more power to you, Caitlyn. If you can afford all manner of plastic surgeries to make your body fit who you are on the inside, then that is your right. 

But enough already.  In 2015 it seemed like Bruce Jenner was on the cover of People magazine every other week, more often than the royal family.  Then he became Caitlyn and there was another slew of cover stories about that.  For somebody who claims to be a private person, Caitlyn sure does put herself out there.  There was the prime time Diane Sawyer interview, the cover of Vanity Fair, and now Cait has her own reality show.  How private is that?

I'm not a hater.  I'm just not interested in this he-said/she-said bitch fest.  I would love it if I could have a day free of Jenners and Kardashians.  Is that too much to ask?

Miley Cyrus' Tongue

As a long time subscriber to People Magazine, I consider it to be a cut above the trashy tabloids. The reporting is accurate and attributed to reputable sources; they don't print rumors or speculate about cheating scandals or possible baby bumps. Even so, it must be a sign that I'm getting old or out of touch when I've never even heard of many of the "celebrities" they report on.

Then there are the really annoying "stars" that grace the cover and the pages of People all too often. The overabundance of coverage they give to some so-called celebs gets on my nerves. I'm sick of seeing them in People or anywhere else for that matter. The winner for most annoying, over exposed media darling is......

Miley Cyrus' Tongue:  With her money-making Disney persona, Hannah Montana, long dead, Miley wants to show off her body parts so everyone can see just exactly how grown up she is. None of her parts are more irritating than her tongue. Not even the twerking is as off-putting. For a self-professed grown-up, Miley sure does stick out her tongue a lot.

I for one am sick of seeing this tongue in photos. You can't open an issue of People without being subjected to Miley's pink appendage.  Keep it in your mouth, Miley!!

(Sidebar - if I ever did meet Miley, I would totally call her Hannah Montana just to mess with her)
Being that I am not a fan or a follower of Miley, I had no idea about the scope of this tongue problem. It's not just her go-to pose, it's a big deal.

She's in a short film called Tongue Tied which you can watch on-line, although I don't recommend it. Surprisingly, it doesn't feature her tongue as much as her other nearly naked body parts. Perv warning - it's not erotic, just weird. But then, if you're a perv you've already seen it and you're not reading this so.... never mind.

In her last world tour she even rode down a huge tongue slide protruding from a massive cartoon of her face. A tongue slide?  I had no idea.

Sticking her tongue out is Hannah's, I mean Miley's, signature move. A couple of year's ago Barbara Walters asked her, "why the tongue?" (I'm paraphrasing.)  She replied that she felt so embarrassed having her picture taken by so many paparazzi that she felt awkward and didn't know how to smile. Yeah, right.  Her name is a mispronunciation of Smiley (if memory serves). The most photographed woman of the 21st century and she feels awkward and embarrassed. Puh-leeze.

Now, the tongue has T-shirts and copycat selfies and an artist in Britain has painted a portrait of Miley using his own tongue as the brush. This tongue thing is bigger than all of us.  It's madness!

I envision a huge tongue coursing down the streets of New York, knocking over sky-scrapers, crushing cars and leaving a river of slobber in its wake. Innocent citizens will be running for their lives while the Avengers shake their fists at it and say, "We're not licked yet!"

A Journey of 1000 Miles

You may have heard this inspirational phrase or seen it on a poster or a meme or on Pinterest:

 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step ~ Laozi

You may think it's a quote from Confucius but, you would be wrong.  It's Laozi.  I know, I Googled it.
I have never found this quote to be inspiring.  What is the thinking here?  Oh, it's only one step.  I thought it was a whole lot more.  Well, sign me up for that 1000 mile journey then because the next 9,999,999 steps will be easy peasy. 
You heard right, it takes 10 million steps to go 1000 miles.  I did the math.  Why are we walking that distance anyway?  It's too far.  Let's take a plane. 
I think we should change the phrase to: 
A journey across the room begins with a single step

I realize this phrase is supposed to encourage people to try something new, to take that first step.  I however have always thought about the rest of the process - because I'm looking at the big picture.  How many false starts have you had?  I've had quite a few.  I take the first step and several more and find that I can not complete the journey so, this phrase does not do it for me.

People are always saying, "start something new." I say, "finish what you already started."

Speaking of 1000 miles, remember that song by the Proclaimers?  Those Scottish twins? 
I would walk 500 miles and
I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles
To fall down at your door

That's a lot of walking.  And, if you now have that song stuck in your head, then my work here is done.  This will all have been worth it.

You're Being Anal

My friends and I were having lunch in the break room the other day.  For the sake of protecting their identity, let's call my friends Frick and Frack.

Discussing the incorrect behavior of others is a fun group activity which we all enjoy and today was no exception.  Frack was complaining about someone, I forget who it was, but she was going into some detail about this person's transgressions against her.  Then, Frack said, "He was being anal, you know what I mean?"

Well, I thought I did.  It's the 2nd in Freud's stages of development.  Having majored in Psychology, at least I know that much.  People who have an "Anal" personality are usually compulsive and overly controlling, they like things just so.

Also, being a long-time fan of Saturday Night Live, I remember Phil Hartman's Anal Retentive Chef, obsessively wrapping and sealing every piece of trash.

I also remember the many times I watched the movie Annie Hall, in which Diane Keaton says to Woody Allen, "Anal is a nice word for what you are."  So yeah, I knew what being "anal" meant.  Or so I thought.

Frack kept on asking if I knew what she meant.  I kept on replying in the affirmative as did Frick.  But Frack was suspicious that we were clueless.

She kept saying, "you know what "anal" means, don't you?"

I said, "it means someone who's a control freak and very fastidious."

"No," Frack replied, "it means they're being an asshole."

Frick and I were quick to correct her.  "That's not what it means," I said.

Frick chimed in, "It's like Anal Retentative, someone who's a neat freak - haven't you ever heard of Anal Retentative?"

That's right, folks, there's an extra syllable in there.  Re-ten-TA-tive.

By now I was pretty annoyed with both of them.  "It's not pronounced Re-ten-TA-tive, it's just retentive and it does not mean being an asshole, it's one of Freud's stages of development."

Frack would not be corrected, "No, it means you're an asshole, don't you know that?"

I said, "Don't talk to me about Anal, I majored in Psychology, I have a bachelors degree in Anal!"

That did not come out right.  There was a moment of silence....  followed by a fit of giggles.  Yep, we may be a bunch of middle-aged women but we have the sense of humor of 12-year-old boys.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot - Conversational Dead-Ends

We've all done it, said something we regret. Something that brings the conversation to a screeching halt, followed by awkward silence and the sound of crickets chirping. It's a conversational dead-end.
I frequently find myself saying the wrong thing.  My very wise father-in-law once said, "don't open your mouth unless you're changing feet."  While I can't offer a cure for foot-in-mouth disease, there are a few common phrases that are almost never a good idea.

1. Lighten up - It may seem like a good idea to say this when you're friend is getting all hot and bothered about something.  They're raging and you want to calm them down.  You say, "lighten up, buddy, it's okay."  But think about it, does this ever work?  Do they ever just calm down and get over it?  No.  Instead they now direct some of their anger at you.  Here's why.  They are upset - whatever they're griping about is important to them.  You have essentially said, "your problem is not important, you're just making a big deal out of nothing." That's never a message people take kindly to.  A better response - get on board.  Agree with them.  Say, "You're right, I can't believe those jerks, how can they be so stupid, I HATE them and I hope they DIE."  (okay, maybe that's going a little bit too far but you get the idea)
2. Welcome to my world - think about the times you've had this said to you and how it made you feel.  Did you feel welcome?  Didn't think so.  Typically, this comes after a complaint has been lodged.  Your friend airs her/his grievances and you say, "welcome to my world."  Basically, this translates as, "you think you've got it bad, hah! I deal with that kind of crap all the time."   It's never a welcome phrase.  What your friend really wants is commiseration and empathy.  You still get to join in the complaining but drop the one-upmanship. Say, "Oh I know, that really sucks, I hate it when that happens."
3. It is what it is - who's the genius that came up with this one?  We know it wasn't Bill Clinton.  People say this all the time in reference to their friend's or even their own complaints.  I may be alone in this opinion (a common occurrence). This phrase usually comes after someone discusses a bad situation.  For example, "the boss is making us work on Saturday this week, I hate working on Saturday, it's not fair!"  Then the friend/co-worker/stranger on the street will shrug their shoulders, throw up their hands in defeat and say, "It is what it is."  Brilliant!  This means, "yeah, it sucks but there's nothing you can do about it so just accept it."  For some reason, this always grates on my nerves.  I want to say, "NO - it's not okay - I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"  But maybe that's just me. 

So, let's hear it.  What are some phrases that get on your nerves?